I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I feel like I am stuck in a void. A dark, bottomless void that seems to tear at me from all directions. I used to look forward to the next day because that meant I was one day closer to going home. Now I don’t know what home is anymore. Everything I thought I knew to be or feel right now seems wrong in my doubtful eyes. All I want to do is run; run as far away as possible. Away from what I do not know.
Lately it seems I can’t sleep. I just lay there, tossing and turning. A part of me doesn’t want to sleep. When I sleep, I fall victim to my mind which can be a terrible foe. Memories and feelings flood me I do not to visit right now. When I finally do fall asleep, I don’t sleep worth a shit. I wake up just as tired as when I tried to go to sleep. I’ve seemed to lost my appetite which wouldn’t be too bad but I only eat once a day as it is. The food just don’t taste good. Partly that’s chow hall food but I know my current state is playing a part in the lack of an appetite.
Now for all you psychologists out there who read my blog daily, I know what you are thinking and although that does play a part of the problem, it is not the whole problem. Some of my feelings are normal for what I have been through in the past month but I am a rational person and can not blame that person for all my troubles. I just seem to have lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore, or where I am going. I struggle each day against myself, from allowing this god forsaken place to consume me. There are times I feel that if my time came and my ticket got punched here, so be it. Dig a hole in the desert and leave me. I seem to be rambling now but that has been my life lately. A mess of jumbled thoughts and feeling I can’t make heads or tails with. I probably wont be posting any time soon. I have some issues I need to work out and will post my 5 daily readers soon.
p.s. Don’t worry I won’t go do something stupid to myself, I may be a bit depressed but I’m not a threat to myself. I ask that everyone say a prayer for all the troops who are deployed who also may be feeling like me.