I don’t know what is going on with me anymore. I feel like I am stuck in a void. A dark, bottomless void that seems to tear at me from all directions. I used to look forward to the next day because that meant I was one day closer to going home. Now I don’t know what home is anymore. Everything I thought I knew to be or feel right now seems wrong in my doubtful eyes. All I want to do is run; run as far away as possible. Away from what I do not know.
Lately it seems I can’t sleep. I just lay there, tossing and turning. A part of me doesn’t want to sleep. When I sleep, I fall victim to my mind which can be a terrible foe. Memories and feelings flood me I do not to visit right now. When I finally do fall asleep, I don’t sleep worth a shit. I wake up just as tired as when I tried to go to sleep. I’ve seemed to lost my appetite which wouldn’t be too bad but I only eat once a day as it is. The food just don’t taste good. Partly that’s chow hall food but I know my current state is playing a part in the lack of an appetite.
Now for all you psychologists out there who read my blog daily, I know what you are thinking and although that does play a part of the problem, it is not the whole problem. Some of my feelings are normal for what I have been through in the past month but I am a rational person and can not blame that person for all my troubles. I just seem to have lost myself. I don’t know who I am anymore, or where I am going. I struggle each day against myself, from allowing this god forsaken place to consume me. There are times I feel that if my time came and my ticket got punched here, so be it. Dig a hole in the desert and leave me. I seem to be rambling now but that has been my life lately. A mess of jumbled thoughts and feeling I can’t make heads or tails with. I probably wont be posting any time soon. I have some issues I need to work out and will post my 5 daily readers soon.
p.s. Don’t worry I won’t go do something stupid to myself, I may be a bit depressed but I’m not a threat to myself. I ask that everyone say a prayer for all the troops who are deployed who also may be feeling like me.
A lot must have changed in the last 18 months. When I applied to
Fast forward to this month and I am starting to wonder if I will even get re-admitted after my little military hiatus. 4 of my friends decided to fill out applications to go to ESU who are serving with me over here and so far 2 of them have been denied. The one soldier did not take SAT/ACT in high school and that was the stated reason he did not get accepted. He was advised to go to a community college for a minimum of one year and then SAT/ACT wouldn’t matter. That right there is bullshit. I knew guys on Active Duty who were total screw offs in high school, got shitty grades, didn’t take the SAT/ACT, joined the military and when they got out were admitted into first rate universities like U of Miami or Penn State. Yet my fellow soldiers can’t get into little ol’ ESU? Another guy had all that shit and was not accepted and he is pretty smart. Right now it isn’t looking good for any of these guys to get into ESU this next semester. I feel bad in a way because a couple of them were applying to ESU because of me. Not just me, but what the school has to offer. I admit, I was doing heavy recruiting for college, not just ESU. I believe in using the money that you earn by joining the military and using it to the fullest. Now so far none of them will be starting in the fall, hell I don’t know if I am re-admitted yet. I will be totally pissed if I am not re-admitted. I was suppose to still be registered, just not in classes. Let’s see if the VA representative did his job right 18 months ago.
On a lighter note, check out my new renter Madbull. His latest creation is Am I Famous Now? His English has gotten a lot better since the first time I read any of his work but the satirical edge will forever be there. Also, since he is such a nice guy, he is giving away free web space to 5 lucky bloggers! Read up to get the info. So go ahead, check out what’s driving him crazy this week.
The story continued…
After we returned to the base, I had to quickly grab my rucksack and turn my key to my can in. We knew earlier that we would be cutting it close time wise so we were packed and ready to go. The journey from this base to
We had some time between movements so I decided to take a little nap in our unit’s old supply room. We linked up with our rides sometime before midnight. I was under the impression we were going to go the long way down to
We spent about 2 days down at
After those 2 days, we headed back to
What a week. I have just returned from another trip around
Our next stop was at the “soccer team”. This particular family is very friendly to Coalition Forces and they try to keep their neighborhood cleaned up. We stopped there for a few minutes talking to the family through the interpreter. The children were out prancing through the yard playing those endless games that children can play without using a lick of energy. I sometimes wonder what goes through these young minds as they see foreigners walking through their yard. Do their parents explain to them in the simplest ways who we are and what we are trying to do? Do they understand that we are trying to make a safer place for them to live and grow up in? I guess these are questions I may never get answered and can only hope that some how, some way they know that we are not the bad guys.
After the little discussions with the family, we headed off to finish up our patrol. As we crossed over a road onto the other side, we started to head back in the direction of the base and we came across a beautiful house. The patrol leader wanted to know if we wanted to stop in. I thought to myself, what are we just going to barge in? The patrol leader stepped up to the door with the interpreter and knocked on the door. The gentleman opened the door and immediately started smiling and asking us to come in and sit down. It turns out that we were in the nephew of a sheik’s house. It seems our guys stop in there regularly to talk with him. He is a very prominent person in the area with a bit of influence. He was very courteous to us and offered us to sit down and relax. Of course you can’t really relax but it was nice to sit down for a few minutes. He then brought out tea for us which was excellent. They were in small cups with about a teaspoon in a half of sugar at the bottom of the cup. The tea, which he called chai, was the best I have tasted in awhile and after finishing the small cup I was wired. The gentleman told our interpreter he wanted the company commander to come out for dinner one night and we happily obliged to set it up. During the conversation, the funniest thing was said. We had asked the guy if he could turn off his spotlights in his yard for they blinded the guys on guard duty at the base. He said of course, that he would turn them off and that he would be marked with a certain color. If the guards saw anyone else in his yard or near his house after hours to shoot them. I couldn’t’ believe this guy said that. He said he wanted to get rid of the bad guys. After our little chat, we headed back to the base. Myself and my boss had to get ready to head out to our next leg of the journey. I will continue another time for this post is already gotten pretty long.
Do you have a dog or cat? Do you love pets in general? Well if you do than go check this site out. My friend B from All-Night Org. is participating in a walk to donate money for the Maryland SPCA. I have already gone and donated a couple dollars to her walk campaign because I love pets. So if you have a couple of dollars you could spare, go on and check out the link. Her goal is to raise 300 dollars total and she is about halfway there. I call on you , the blogosphere, to help out a fellow blogger raise awareness to cruelty to animals. It will only take a moment of your time and its for a wonderful cause.